Thankful

Last year I posted about my gratitude for the Priesthood in my life. You can read that post here. This year as I sat down to think about all the things I have to be thankful for I kept thinking about all the trials we've had and how they have lead us to great blessings. So, this year I want to focus my thoughts of gratitude to my trials and specifically one trial in particular. I'm sure to some it seems strange to be grateful for trials, but to me I know it is those trials that have made me stronger, more appreciative and humble. It is in those trials that I learned to lean more heavily on my Savior and to trust Him more deeply. Through the years as I have faced trials and then come through to the other side I can clearly see the Lord's hand and I can see the blessings that have come because of those trials.

Then there comes a trial that you never saw coming and it pushes you more than you could have ever imagined. Elder Neal A. Maxwell said, "If we are serious about our discipleship, Jesus will eventually request each of us to do those very things which are the most difficult for us to do."

In the Spring of 2007 we got the joyful news that we were pregnant. Our family plan was going just as we had planned it to go. After two completely normal and perfectly healthy pregnancies that resulted in children I didn't expect this pregnancy to be any different. Sadly, it would be. At 14 weeks I had surgery to remove that pregnancy because the baby had not made it. It was so unexpected and entirely crushing and the trial didn't end there. We spent months trying to get pregnant again. Then months turned into a year and still nothing. It was during this time of sudden infertility that I had to lean the most on my Savior. Each month when I again didn't get pregnant everything would come flooding back. The loss of a child during pregnancy and the emptiness of waiting for life again. Slowly I began to see changes in me. I finally came to accept the loss and see how much I had grown because of it. I finally reached a point where I was grateful for the child I never got to hold because of the strength that I gained from that experience. I even treasured my kids more than before, which I didn't think was possible. I found great comfort in the scriptures and the stories that were included of women and their trials of wanting to bring a child into this world. How strong those women must have been, how fervent their prayers, all because they wanted to be mothers. Then I reached a point in growth that I feel taught me the most. It came while pondering the Saviors words he uttered to his Father about the bitter cup. He asked to have the bitter cup removed from him, but nevertheless offered to drink it up if that is what his Father would have him do. I finally realized that that was where I was. I was presented with a bitter cup, would I be willing to drink it? I couldn't at first, I was too weak. Finally, after a lot of time, growth and love from my Savior I came to a place where I was willing to drink. I can't even describe what that was like for me and I don't feel it entirely appropriate to try and describe because it is so personal to me.

Many more months would go by that I would again and again not get pregnant. Then, finally this past Spring my own fervent prayers were answered and I received what my heart desired, another child. So this year I am grateful for the trial that started with a great loss, pushed me beyond what I thought I was capable of and finally resulted in that greatest of blessings, life!